What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
