haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
sarcasm needs its own font
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
