Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
