My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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