I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
