My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
