My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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