Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
