Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
