Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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