I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
