dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
