He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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