I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Randomize
