Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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