wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
