Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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