Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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