its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
