I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Drunk is a universal language darling
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
