Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
