What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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