Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Randomize
