Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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