It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
