i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
