I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
