Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
