I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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