wrigley field is MILF paradise
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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