She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
