he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
