I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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