I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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