You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
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