are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
