So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Did I show you my penis last night?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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