Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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