Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
