nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Yo dont text me then not text me
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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