We got so high we made milksteak
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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