I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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