She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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