she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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