I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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