I look better un-naked...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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