I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
