a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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