Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
