Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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